Back in the Middle Ages n that people used to talk about seven heavenly bodies that rotated round the earth. They used these celestial receptaclea as a way of talking about seven distinct outlooks. When talking about something as expansive as the human mind where else to turn than the heavens? Much of our language today is steeped in this history. Jovial owes itself to Jupiter and Martians should marshal their martial thoughts.
So I decided to imagine what it would be like if these seven aspects came canvassing round today.
Here’s the Ballot Paper
Who gets your vote?
Jake Jupitor – jovial policy wonk. Fell on his sword three years ago to save a senior minister. While his senior minister lost a classified memory stick it was only Jake who lost his reputation. A party man to a fault but he will on occasion rebels when led so by his conscience. He is clean shaved, fresh faced and comes across even better in person than on television. Decent and ambitious and feels that people who work hard and play fair should go far – including himself. Thinks bikes and bike related goods should be tax free. A good sport, a good egg and a terrible poker player. Believes public represtatives should be accessible and so runs ‘Picnic surgeries – bring your concerns – and a Scotch Egg!’
Victor Venus – obstetrician standing to make a point about saving the NHS. Vegan, stylish, gives great interviews, good eye for publicity. Great advocate for gender equality and wants to see quotas in place to ensure female representation on public, civic and corporate management. Bit shallow on policy beyond his interests. In an interview he once gave the impression he thought Peru was a town in Northern Brazil. Has a very complicated personal life that he himself likes to bring up at any given opportunity, he once said ‘If music is the food of love, I’m peckish for a mash-up.’
Moira Mars – served as an officer in the navy. While there she was decorated but she was also mixed up in some controversy over extraordinary rendition. She is committed to international development and justice issues. After leaving the navy she trained as a lawyer and went back to Afghanistan to work with vulnerable women in need of legal support. Thinks policy I’m general should always be looked at through a ‘anti-terror’ rubric. When pressed on this she agreed that yes even decisions about roundabouts and childcare provision should be seen through an anti-terror rubric. Especially roundabouts she insisted.
Sophie Sun – a traditional skeptical liberal who asks big questions and gives detailed answers. A former Anglican priest who left the church ten years ago after frustrations with dogmatic differences. She is now a distinguished academic who believes in personal freedom above all. Comes across as stern and uncompromising but her brilliance is undeniable and she commands respect. Has in the past been enlisted to lead investigations over conduct of prominent public figures. Her critics describe her as ‘shining on the righteous and the unrighteous… but especially the unrighteous… with a flamethrower…’ Lives frugally and thinks others should too. For a liberal she has surprisingly conservative tastes herself but defends ‘to the death’ personal freedom and people’s right to express themselves in the manner they see fit. She says, ‘The way I see it there are two spheres – the private and the public, the private is sacrosanct but the public sphere is bloodbath in a birdbath, I know my remit, I know my spheres.’
Mervyn Mercury – shot to fame after a TED talk, transatlantic jet setter that grew up between Surrey and California. Likes debate and believes strongly in digital technology as a force for good in society. He is especially concerned with urban food poverty. He wants to develop an app that can use ‘gigabytes to create bigger bites.’ He wants to see expansive educational reform to empower young minds. Strong advocate of open source working for software development. In his short career so far he has worked for three different fossil fuel companies. When pushed on his stance on climate change he likes to say ‘It’s not so much humans change the climate but that they acclimatise to change.’
Melanie Moon – a maverick. A complete independent, all across the spectrum. Calls herself a capitalist-socialist but vehemently denies she could be a socialist-capitalist. Specialises in antagonising counter protests by staging special ‘counter-counter protests.’ One of her maxims is ‘conform to nonconformity.’ She thinks the minimum wage should be £15 an hour. She identifies as a ‘only the last fist pacifist’ but believes we should ‘weaponise space just in case.’ She got a 2.2 from Reading.
Struan Saturn – ‘Climate change is coming for you and your children’ is what he puts on all his campaign literature. A teetotal retired watchmaker who does a bit in every debate where he pulls out a pocket watch and sighs while the other candidate is talking. This has become a popular meme online with people regularly predicting at what point #watchcheck is going to be deployed. He wants unilateral fossil fuel dissarmourment. He believes in incredibly harsh sentencing for ‘crimes against nature.’ He thinks polluting despots should be eliminated ‘with extreme prejudice.’ His grumbly shtick and withering put downs are hugely popular with young voters.